i need an iv and a liver transplant
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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