Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
