You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
