we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
