There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
