The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
