Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
