The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
