mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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