i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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