everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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