Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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