God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
