you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
