why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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