Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
