I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Pants are for mortals
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
