I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
