she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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