Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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