Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I have fence marks all over my body
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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