somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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