im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
