i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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