you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
