Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
