Tell her she can't have a vagina
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
