Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
