I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
