I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
