Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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