so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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