she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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