he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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