I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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