Four minutes until I can fart!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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