Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
