I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
