I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
