he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
