i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
