he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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