just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
