I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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