I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
