If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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