and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
