I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
