her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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