Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
