i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
