i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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