on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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