I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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